Sunday, October 26, 2014
Family Pictures
Friday, October 24, 2014
Adoption Emails
Today I decided to go through my email account and check out old emails. I came across emails from friends, family and even managed to look through the adoption emails for the first time ever. I had saved them because I knew that I wasn't thinking straight and would one day want to look at them. Until today, I couldn't look at them. Almost 7 years later...crazy!
The first few emails consisted of all the paperwork and legal aspects that needed to be handled. The last 20 were me asking a million questions to our adoption worker. Which, to this day, Gabby was amazing! I even referred one of my friends to her when she decided to place a baby up for adoption. In my emails, you could tell that I was so scared and second guessing my decision. Gabby was so gracious and so very understanding. Reading the emails took me back to that year and made me think of what I would have done differently. First off, I wouldn't have been so scared to talk to Kara's parents! I wouldn't have thought that I was a horrible mother for giving my baby up. And I would have loved to spend more time with Kara's parents and not been wallowing in my own pity. Was it a difficult decision? The hardest ever. Do I wish that I had changed my mind about the adoption? Nope! I get to watch how happy she is through pictures and videos and know that I picked the best life for her. Do I miss her? With all of my heart!
I remember going to the clinic to get my proof of pregnancy for the adoption process to start (I was already 4 months along when I finally went in.) I remember telling the lady that I just needed the proof of pregnancy for the adoption agency. The lady, who was probably in her late 60s, started crying. I think I must have looked at her funny because she grabbed my hands and said that I was the most selfless person she had ever met. I thought then that she must have been a crazy lady! Now, I understand that she has to see so many woman go through there looking for proof of pregnancy for abortions or who are looking for handouts and keep having kids to live off of the state. As a mother, I knew I couldn't give my child what they deserved...I was a single mother to one and was struggling.
I remember going to all of my doctors appts and not saying anything about giving my baby up for adoption because I felt ashamed. Not because I was giving her up to give her a better life, but because I got pregnant and couldn't provide for my child. The doctor came in the morning of my delivery, sat down next to me, held my hand and asked why I hadn't told her. With tears in my eyes I just shook my head. Her eyes welled up and asked if I had really thought about my decision. I shook my head yes. She then said that I was a great mother and could raise this baby too. I shook my head no. I remember her standing up, kissing me on my head and said I was the bravest patient she had ever had. She walked out just as Kara's birth dad walked in.
Kara's birth dad had stated from the beginning that he didn't want to hold her because he would get attached. As soon as she was cleaned off, the nurse placed her in his arms. He was in shock. And out he walked her our daughter in his arms to place her in the bed and wheel her out to meet her parents. I laid there crying as they stitched me back up.
Kara's parents were so kind to let us have some alone time with her before they left the hospital as a family 2 days later. I got to feed her, change her and love her. Those moments are forever in my mind. I didn't want to let her go and was fighting myself.
The next few days are a blur but I remember looking at her pictures and how happy all 3 of them were. It brought me peace.
I am still at peace with my decision. I do not, nor will I ever, regret my decision. I have 2 beautiful daughters, one whom is not with me. Which, I must say, they are both gorgeous! Emily knows about Kara. I decided it was easier to be honest about it. She asks me the typical questions about why and when can she see her. She often asks to look at pictures of her. Funny, when Kara was born, she looked NOTHING like me. Now, I think she looks more like me than Emily does!
What is the point of this blog...I guess to help other people who have gone through this process or are going through it. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it was easy by any means, but it was the best decision. I just lucked out and gave her to the best parents!
The first few emails consisted of all the paperwork and legal aspects that needed to be handled. The last 20 were me asking a million questions to our adoption worker. Which, to this day, Gabby was amazing! I even referred one of my friends to her when she decided to place a baby up for adoption. In my emails, you could tell that I was so scared and second guessing my decision. Gabby was so gracious and so very understanding. Reading the emails took me back to that year and made me think of what I would have done differently. First off, I wouldn't have been so scared to talk to Kara's parents! I wouldn't have thought that I was a horrible mother for giving my baby up. And I would have loved to spend more time with Kara's parents and not been wallowing in my own pity. Was it a difficult decision? The hardest ever. Do I wish that I had changed my mind about the adoption? Nope! I get to watch how happy she is through pictures and videos and know that I picked the best life for her. Do I miss her? With all of my heart!
I remember going to the clinic to get my proof of pregnancy for the adoption process to start (I was already 4 months along when I finally went in.) I remember telling the lady that I just needed the proof of pregnancy for the adoption agency. The lady, who was probably in her late 60s, started crying. I think I must have looked at her funny because she grabbed my hands and said that I was the most selfless person she had ever met. I thought then that she must have been a crazy lady! Now, I understand that she has to see so many woman go through there looking for proof of pregnancy for abortions or who are looking for handouts and keep having kids to live off of the state. As a mother, I knew I couldn't give my child what they deserved...I was a single mother to one and was struggling.
I remember going to all of my doctors appts and not saying anything about giving my baby up for adoption because I felt ashamed. Not because I was giving her up to give her a better life, but because I got pregnant and couldn't provide for my child. The doctor came in the morning of my delivery, sat down next to me, held my hand and asked why I hadn't told her. With tears in my eyes I just shook my head. Her eyes welled up and asked if I had really thought about my decision. I shook my head yes. She then said that I was a great mother and could raise this baby too. I shook my head no. I remember her standing up, kissing me on my head and said I was the bravest patient she had ever had. She walked out just as Kara's birth dad walked in.
Kara's birth dad had stated from the beginning that he didn't want to hold her because he would get attached. As soon as she was cleaned off, the nurse placed her in his arms. He was in shock. And out he walked her our daughter in his arms to place her in the bed and wheel her out to meet her parents. I laid there crying as they stitched me back up.
Kara's parents were so kind to let us have some alone time with her before they left the hospital as a family 2 days later. I got to feed her, change her and love her. Those moments are forever in my mind. I didn't want to let her go and was fighting myself.
The next few days are a blur but I remember looking at her pictures and how happy all 3 of them were. It brought me peace.
I am still at peace with my decision. I do not, nor will I ever, regret my decision. I have 2 beautiful daughters, one whom is not with me. Which, I must say, they are both gorgeous! Emily knows about Kara. I decided it was easier to be honest about it. She asks me the typical questions about why and when can she see her. She often asks to look at pictures of her. Funny, when Kara was born, she looked NOTHING like me. Now, I think she looks more like me than Emily does!
What is the point of this blog...I guess to help other people who have gone through this process or are going through it. I'm not going to sugar coat it and say it was easy by any means, but it was the best decision. I just lucked out and gave her to the best parents!
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Weight Loss
The past few months I have really been focusing on my weight loss. Why? I just woke up one day and decided that I needed to do this for my long term health. I have always battled weight issues. I have never been a small girl but I used to be in shape. When I was younger, I could run the mile in 8 minutes without getting overly winded. But, playing basketball year-round will do that!
Emily took a picture of me in February and I couldn't even stand to look at it. When did I pack on this much weight? What the hell is wrong with me? As I watched my mom lose weight just by changing her eating habits, I thought, I could do that too! I want to stick around forever to torture my children as much as possible!
In May I began this "diet." I use that word with caution. I have tried many diets and can stick to them for a few weeks, and then I get bored with it. Eating or drinking the same thing every day is so obnoxious. I decided to cut out all soda (including diet soda) and just count my calories. I try to stick to 1200 calories a day. I use an app called, "My Fitness Pal" which counts calories for you. It holds me responsible. Who knew a little app would do that?! The top pictures are from June...about a month into the "diet." The bottom pictures are from last week, As the picture stats, it's a little change, but making progress. I figured it is best to have the weight come off slowly and stay off, rather than dropping it quickly and gaining it right back. To date, I am down 70 pounds. I have a lot more to go, but I am feeling so much better! My energy is even up.
Here's to hoping I continue this weight loss!
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